


aching hands, bursting hearts

by tuesdead



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Everyone's happy, Fluff, I don't think, M/M, Past Mpreg, Sastiel - Freeform, there's really not much to tag, uhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 22:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18353177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesdead/pseuds/tuesdead
Summary: 'Gentle words, gentle hugs, everything. And he’s never loved anything--anyone--as much as he loves her.'





	aching hands, bursting hearts

**Author's Note:**

> so, i posted a fraction of this to tumblr on [avenicebitch]. i don't feel like turning that into a link so just look me up heh

**_aching hands, bursting hearts_ **

Sam’s hands ache a lot these days; not because there’s anything wrong, but because he’s done a lot of hard work in his lifetime. He’s fought for most of his life, was raised like a soldier, and he’s been injured more times than he can count (he lost count around 273). And he’s had jobs, real jobs, including carpentry, fixing things, being a barhand. He’s been a laborer for a long,  _ long  _ time.

Gentle is something more recent for him. Since the day she was born and every day after, Sam has been gentle with his daughter. Gentle words, gentle hugs, everything. And he’s never loved anything--anyone--as much as he loves her.

She’s sleeping when he opens her door, but she stirs when he runs a hand over her head. “Hm?”

“Hey, sweet girl. It’s just me.”

Her sleepy smile fills him with contentment and she squints at him. “Is it morning?”

Sam brushes his fingers over her chubby cheek. “No, baby, it’s still night. Go back to sleep.”

She blinks bleary eyes at him before nodding and rolling over.

She knows what’s going to happen in the morning. For only being four years old, she’s so smart, he had no reason to keep the truth from her.

It was time to go home.

//

After releasing the darkness and getting infected, Sam had gone into labor. Now, he hadn’t told anybody that he’d been pregnant--he hadn’t even really showed–, but at that point, it was time to disappear for a while. He left in the middle of the night, leaving a note for Dean that he was looking for answers.

And he had been looking for answers. He did so much research that he expected his eyes to bleed, contacted countless others who might have had some answers.

Whenever he found something useful, something that might have helped, he’d call Dean and tell him all of it. And when Dean didn’t answer, Sam would call Castiel.

Cas.

Castiel was her father. He’d come to Sam’s room one night with wild eyes and kissed him and things had happened. Sam knew not to want more, knew not to ask for more, and knew that Castiel wouldn’t speak of it again.

But then he’d found out he was pregnant, and Sam’s world flipped upside down.

//

He wakes her up two hours after the sun rises, proceeds to get her cleaned up and dressed, and then he tucks her into the car and leaves their rental house behind. He’d packed their belongings while she slept.

“How far?” she asks from where she’s tucked under a blanket, blue eyes watching him.

“About an hour. What do you want to listen to?”

She grins at him and points to the disk sticking out of the player, an indie mix that Sam had burnt to a disk in the first month after she was born. He chuckles.

He’s worried, he is, but as long as she looks at him like that, Sam thinks he can do anything. He’ll do anything for her.

He’s only twenty minutes out from the Bunker when his cell phone rings and he pulls over because he doesn’t want to drive while he’s on the phone, not with her in the car. “Hello?”

“Sam. Are you going to stay away forever?”

“Cas? What’s wrong?”

“Lucifer has a son, and he’s a good kid, but Dean wants to kill him and I don’t know what to do.”

Sam blinks at the windshield. “Lucifer?”

“I’m sorry, Sam. But Jack’s a good kid.”

“No, no, I hear you. Um. I was kind of on my way, anyway. His name is Jack?”

“Yes. He appears older, but he’s very naive.” Castiel sounds tired and concerned, and Sam’s heart aches for him. “You said you were on your way?”

“Yeah. I’ll be there soon, okay?”

“Thank you, Sam.”

//

Outside the bunker, Sam lifts her out of the car and presses a kiss to her forehead. “Are you ready?”

She nods, leaning against him, and Sam reaches the bunker door just in time for a teenager to throw it open like he's leaving and pause when he sees Sam.

“Hi. You must be Jack,” Sam says.

Jack nods.

“I'm Sam.”

Jack's mouth falls open. “ _ The  _ Sam? Dean's brother Sam?”

Sam nods. “That's me. This is Ellen.”

The boy's face lights up and Ellen grins at him. “Hi.”

“Hi, Ellen. How old are you?”

She holds up four fingers and tucks her head against Sam's neck. He follows Jack inside. “You looked upset when you came outside,” he probes gently.

Jack frowns. “Every time I try to help, somebody gets hurt.”

Sam nods. “I know how that feels. Having something inside you that you can't control. It takes time, but you'll get the hang of it, Jack. Where's Cas?”

“He's downstairs.”

Sam leaves his daughter in Jack's care, pressing a kiss to her head, and then he hunts down Cas in one of the storage rooms. “Hey.”

Castiel looks up from a book, eyes wide. “You got here much faster than I expected.”

“I didn't go far when I left,” Sam offers, looking at the floor. “There's something I need to tell you.”

//

“You what?”

“I left because I had a baby, Cas.” Sam leans against the table, keeping his gaze on Castiel's face.

“But who… I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us?”

“I didn't tell Dean because I never told him that I had the gene for it. And I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to… feel obligated to be around.”

“Feel obligated?”

“Yeah. She's your daughter, too, Cas.”

He bows his head. “Sam.” His voice comes out strangled and low. “I am so sorry.”

“Don't say that. I'm not sorry.” Sam shakes his head. “She's wonderful. And I love her more than anything in the world. And she's old enough to understand.”

It's a long moment before Castiel speaks. “Where is she?”

Sam blinks. “She's upstairs with Jack.”

He follows the angel to the library, hands in his pockets, and watches. The moment Cas sees her, he freezes and his unneeded intake of breath is audible.

Sam smiles. She’s sitting cross-legged on top of a table while Jack reads to her. “Hey, sweet girl. What book is that?”

She grins. “S’about angels,” she says, blue eyes bright.

Sam crosses the space between them and kisses her head. “Do you remember what I told you about Castiel?”

If possible, her face lights up even more while she turns to face Cas. He looks even more blindsided when he sees the graceglow in her eyes.

“Papa, he looks like me,” she whispers, and it’s all the proof Cas apparently needs before he crosses the floor and reaches out as if to touch her. His fingers pause inches away.

“May I?”

Sam doesn’t answer, lets Ellen decide. She stands up on the table and wraps her tiny arms around Castiel’s neck in a hug, giggling when he immediately wraps her up with his arms (and his wings. Sam shouldn’t be able to see it but he can).

//

Dean shows up at the bunker later in the evening, when Sam has put his girl to sleep in the bedroom he’d claimed when they found it. He’s sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee clutched in his hands when he hears the door to the garage slam closed.

“Cas! Jody sends her love, or whatever!”

Sam snorts. Dean has never been good with emotions.

Cas rolls his eyes from where he stands leaning against the counter. “I’m in the kitchen,” he calls back, and his voice must carry lingering emotions, because Dean appears immediately, looking concerned. Then his gaze falls on Sam.

Sam chews on his lip. “Dean.” That’s all he says, but his brother seemed to hear what he doesn’t say.  _ I’m sorry,  _ and  _ I miss you,  _ and  _ can I come home? _

He crouches and pulls Sam into a hug.

It’s at that moment that Ellen crosses the threshold.

“Hey, sweet girl,” Sam mumbles as Dean pulls back. “What’s wrong?”

She frowns at him.

“Okay, I’m coming. Go back to bed, I’ll be there in a minute.” He watches as she nods and turns away, gone in the blink of an eye.

“Sam?”

It’s Cas that speaks, his tone gentle. “I’ll explain. Go to bed.”

He doesn’t even have it in him to argue, so he offers a smile in response and pats his brother on the shoulder as he follows the child away. He catches the very beginning of Cas’s explanation. “I knocked your brother up when you were running around as a demon, and…”

Sam thinks it’s kind of fitting. Straight and to the point.

He changes into sweatpants and a t-shirt before crawling into bed and letting little Elle curl up to his chest, hands clutching his shirt. He croons her favorite song until she falls asleep.

//

He wakes at dawn, as he always does these days, and kisses her head before he gets up.

He finds Castiel in the library after he’s gone through his morning routine. And the angel jumps when Sam greets him.

“Cas, are you okay?”

He sighs, rubbing a hand over his vessel’s face. “I’m fine, Sam.”

“It’s okay if you aren’t,” Sam offers, leaning close to his ear. He says it like a secret and hopes Cas understands. “Angels don’t have to be perfect.”

Castiel’s hand wraps around his wrist before he can move away. “I wish I had known,” he says gently. “I wish I had been there for you.”

Sam chews his lip. “I wish I would have told you, Cas. I’m sorry. I was afraid. You’re an angel, and I’m… well. An abomination.”

“This family is full of misfits, Sam. Do you think that I don’t care about you as much as your brother? Or, rather, infinitely more?”

His hand is warm against Sam’s skin, and his gaze is piercing. Sam shakes his head. “I’m not clean.”

“Sam.” Castiel stands, pushing Sam into a chair, cupping Sam’s jaw with one hand. “Don’t say that. Your soul is… Sam, I’ve never seen anything like it, and I’m  _ old _ .”

“Maybe that’s a bad thing.”

“It really isn’t, Sam. Your soul, it shines brighter than Lucifer’s grace, and he’s called the Morningstar for a reason. God created you, Sam. He created you and he loves you, even if he is a coward.”

Sam closes his eyes, hands coming up to grip the lapels of Castiel’s trench coat. “Why me? I’m not worthy, Castiel.”

“You are, Sam. As I’ve told you before: nothing is worth losing you.” His thumb passes over Sam’s lips. “You are worth everything, beloved,” he whispers.

//

Sam’s hands ache, but his heart is full to bursting. He was never going to let himself have this, have Cas, he wasn’t. Because Cas is an angel, and Sam? He was always tainted. But he understands now. Castiel loves him anyway. Loves him in spite of that.

They haven’t moved much by the time Ellen peeks into the room. Sam is still sitting in the chair that Castiel pushed him into, but Cas is leaning against the table, watching Sam with graceglow eyes, fond, one hand holding onto Sam’s.

“Good morning, sweet girl. How did you sleep?”

She smiles at him, climbing onto his lap. She leans up to hug Cas before she settles.

“Sam?”

He hums, ruffling Elle’s hair as he looks up to meet Cas’s gaze.

“You must understand something, okay?”

“Cas?”

“I may not be human, but I have learned what it means to be human. I have learned many things, particularly from your family. One of those things is different ways to love people. And, Sam, I don’t love you the same way I love everybody else. It’s quite different.”

His eyes say everything that his mouth does not. Things like,  _ I love you, Sam _ , and  _ you’re very special to me _ , and _ I hope you understand, now _ .

Sam wraps his hand around the back of Castiel’s neck and pulls him close enough to kiss, tender and soft. Elle laughs, high-pitched and sweet, into her hand.

“Do you gotta do that where anybody can walk in on you?!”

Sam grins against Castiel’s mouth. “I’m not sorry,” he says to his brother. “You knew how I felt.”

Dean scoffs, but he’s smiling when Sam turns toward him. “I’m glad you’re back, Sammy.”


End file.
